Sorek the Third
by kingdomdisney
Summary: Sora really doesn't want to become the king of Far Far Away, so he, Roxas, and Axel set out to find Naminé's cousin, Ven, to take the throne. Meanwhile, the princesses have to protect the kingdom from Prince Riku. This oughta be interesting...
1. Dinner Theater

**Hello!**

**Ok, so this is the sequel to Sorek 2. If you haven't already, I suggest that you read the first two in the series.**

**I own nothing.**

**On with the parody!  
**

It was thundering one night, and this was the night that the gallant Prince Riku was finally going to save his queen. "Onward, Chauncey!" he cried, determined, as he brandished his sword. "To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsom Prince Riku!"

In reality, Chauncey was hobby horse, the thunder was special effects, and Riku was performing at a dinner theater.

"Ew," Demyx commented. He, Pinocchio, the Three Little Pigs, and Zeke were waiting for their food to arrive and were watching. They all absolutely hated it. "This is worse than 'Love Letters.'. I hate dinner theater!"

"Me, too," Pinocchio agreed-but then his nose grew.

"Whoa, there, Chauncey!" Riku cried as the light shined on the cardboard tower, and a "Princess" came into view.

"Hark!" she cried, overdramatic and sucking really badly, as Riku dropped Chauncey. "The brave Prince Riku approacheth."

"Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you and then take my place as rightful king," he promised

"What did she say?" and old woman croaked. Riku, upon hearing that, scowled, and then looked over as an ogre costume-made to look like Sora, unsurprisingly-hobbled onstage. The crowd cheered as a girl cried, "It's Sora!"

"Whoo, Sora, yeah!" Demyx cheered as he and his friends applauded. Riku became infuriated, and declared, "Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!"

"Happy birthday to thee, happy birthday to thee," a waiter sang, catching Riku's attention.

"Do you mind?" he practically shrieked. A table was flung at him, and Demyx smirked at his handiwork while mocking, "Do you mind? Boring!" The whole crowd laughed at the former prince, including the princess, who accidentally hit the tower.

Riku coughed, composing himself, before trying again, "Prepare, foul beast-"

And then the tower fell on him.

Oh, don't get your panties in a twist. The window landed right where he was, so he wasn't hurt. He stood up and dusted himself off, then glared out at the laughing crowd. "Someday you'll be sorry," he warned them, pointing his bent sword at them.

"We already are!" a man cried out. Riku, shocked, flung his sword away, grabbed Chauncey, and stalked offstage. He set Chauncey in his proper place and continued on his way. He flung open the door, walked into his make-up room (the alleyway with a perfect view of the castle) and sat down with a mix of a sigh and a groan in front of his vanity. He started to sob into his hand, not believing the way his life turned out. He looked up to the photo that his mother, the late Fairy Larxene, signed, and cried, "Mommy…"

_Don't stop believing!_

_ -Mommy's little angel_

Her voice rang in his ears, repeating over and over again. He wiped his tears away and muttered, "You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!"

Riku turned towards the castle and cried, standing up, "I am the rightful king of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother…I will restore dignity to my throne." A newspaper hit him in the face, and he peeled it off-along with a few silver hairs-and growled, glaring, "And this time, no one will stand in my way." Sora and Naminé just smiled up at him from the paper before being crumpled up.


	2. Far Far Away

**Disclaimer: I don't own, nor to I claim to, the Shrek series or the Kingdom Hearts saga.**

The sun was shining, and the birds were singing. It was a very peaceful day as Sora and Princess Naminé woke up. "Good morning," Sora happily greeted his wife.

"Good morning," she sleepily replied. "Oh," she chuckled, "morning breath."

"I know. Isn't it wonderful?" he softly asked.

The doors burst open, and in burst Roxas the hunkey, singing, "_Good morning, good morning!_" His kids, Zack, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, and Fuu flew in and practically attacked Sora and Naminé with affection. "_The sun is shining through! Good morning, good morning! To you, and you, and you_!" His kids flew out the door as Axel, the notorious Huat in Boots, strolled in, reading a checklist and ignoring the fire that had ignited behind him.

"They grow up so fast," Roxas sighed fondly.

"Not fast enough," Sora grumbled as he put out the fire on the bed sheets, and Wakka flew off his head and followed his siblings.

"Okay," Axel declared, hopping onto the bed, "you have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir."

"Great! Let's get started!" Sora cried, seemingly happy, then scowled and delved into the covers.

"Come on, lazybones! Time to get moving!" Roxas reprimanded happily before pulling off the covers. He gave a cry of horror before scolding, "You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!"

That day's activities didn't go quite as smoothly as hoped. At the knighting, Sora accidentally cut a deeper-than-supposed-to-be cut.

At the dock, he pushed the boat away before hitting it with the bottle. In an attempt to redeem himself, he threw the bottle at the boat. That made a huge hole, and the boat started to sink. The sails went up in flames, and passengers dove into the water in an attempt to survive.

At the palace, Sora and Naminé were primped up for some party. "Since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king," Roxas reasoned. "Can somebody come in here and work on Sora, please?"

Vexen took one look at the ogre, and said, "I will see what I can do."

What he could do was done painfully. And after, they didn't exactly look…ok, fine, they looked hilarious.

"Oh," Roxas breathed, awed.

"Yeah, wow," Axel rolled his eyes.

"Uh, is this really necessary?" Naminé asked, unnerved by the fact that she couldn't move.

"Oh-ho, it is quite necessary, Naminé," he replied, looking straight at Sora.

"I'm Sora, you twit."

"Whatever," Vexen waved him off.

"Okay, peoples," Axel commanded, "This isn't a rehearsal! Let's see some hustle!"

"Smiles, everyone! Smiles!" Roxas reminded as he and Axel walked off.

"I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Naminé," Sora groaned.

"I'm sorry, Sora, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better," Naminé sympathized. Sora moaned. "Sora?" Naminé softly said.

"Yeah?"

"You look handsome," she smiled.

"Aw, come here, you," he cooed, and the two struggled to kiss, but in the end, their ridiculous outfits won.

"Ack," Sora groaned, "my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name?"

"Uh, Vivi, sir."

"Perfect."

The trumpeters played a fanfare as Isa announced, "Ladies and gentlemen…Princess Naminé and Sir Sora!" The attendees applauded as the curtain opened to…Sora's butt being scratched by Vivi's scratcher. The audience, appalled, covered their eyes.

"Sora!" Naminé cried.

Sora turned, and chuckled sheepishly. He took in a deep breath, and even though he was skinny, his belt unbuckled and flew off to hit Roxas in the eye. "My eye!" he dramatically cried, dancing around. He walked into a woman who pushed him into the knight. The knight fell into a vase that flew and broke against a pillar. That pillar had a vase of flowers in it, which then proceeded to fly. Naminé caught it, but slipped in the spilled water. Sora moved to help her up, but his shirt flew up and hit him in the face at the same time his pants fell down. He ripped it away, and shuffled forward, crying, "Naminé!" He tripped and fell on a loose board, causing Vivi to fly up into the air and land on a flagpole.

"Are you okay?" Sora asked, concerned as he crawled over to his princess.

"Yeah. I'm fine." She gasped as Vivi fell off and landed on a chef's plate with flaming shish kabobs. The kabobs flew off the plate and Roxas had to assume a funky position to make sure he didn't get speared. He then noticed what type of shish kabob it was. "Shrimp! My favorite!"

The guests all screamed and fled as the flames from the shish kabobs traveled up the curtains. The heavy emblem fell to the stage and it broke. Sora and Naminé slid towards it as did the tables with food. One of the platters then proceeded to land on Sora's face.

Later that night…

"That's it! We're leaving!" Sora growled, stomping into his and Naminé's room.

"Calm down," she soothed.

"Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Naminé, and I never will be."

He flopped onto their bed and wiped the make-up off his face before rolling onto his side and encountering Roxas. "I think that went pretty well."

"Roxas!" He grabbed the hunkey by the neck and threw him out the door. "Aw, come on, now, Sora," Roxas pleaded. Sora slammed the door and turned to hear Axel purr, "Some people just don't understand boundaries," as he curled up on the bed. Oh, hypocrisy. Sora then took the huat by the neck and placed him outside on the windowsill before shutting it closed. Axel then took his hat off and gave him his signature kitty eyes. But Sora had become immune in his frustration and pulled down the blinds.

Sora flopped back onto his bed and groaned. Naminé crawled next to him and reassured him, "Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home, in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus and filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect."

"Oh, you had me at 'vermin-filled,'" Sora sighed happily.

"And, um…maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor," she hinted nervously.

"Ha ha, that's right, the swamp rats will be spawning," Sora realized, not taking the hint.

"Uh, no. You know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat."

"Roxas?"

"What if, theoretically…they were little ogre feet?"

Sora nervously laughed, then fell off the bed. Naminé gasped, concerned as Sora groaned, coming back onto the bed, "Honey, let's try and be rational about this. I mean, have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry, and then they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop."

"Sora, don't you ever think about having a family?" Naminé gently asked.

"Right now," Sora told her, taking her hands in his, "you're my family."

There was a knock on the door, and Sora sighed, letting go of Naminé as Vivi walked in. "Somebody better be dying," Sora growled.


	3. The King Croaks

**OMIGOSH! THANK YOU SO MUCH TO sajere1 FOR BEING MY FIRST REVIWER! 3 If you wanna look, the reason this took so long? Yeah, it's on YouTube.**

**So, yeah. Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim to, the Shrek series and the Kingdom Hearts saga.**

King Luxord coughed before croaking, "I'm dying." Wow, how's that for irony? Sora obviously thought that he caused it, and was cringing, glancing back to Naminé and to her father in fear as the frog king wheezed.

"Luxord?" Queen Yuffie softly questioned her husband, so worried. He took hold of her finger and looked at her, wheezing, "Don't forget to pay the gardener, Yuffie."

"Of course, darling," she replied, holding back tears.

"Naminé," he turned to his daughter.

"Yes, Daddy?"she asked, taking his hand.

"I know I've made many mistakes with you," he started.

She sighed quietly, interrupting, "It's okay."

"But your love for Sora has…" He coughed before continuing, "taught me so much." Naminé and Sora smiled at each other. "My dear boy… I am proud to call you my son."

"And I'm proud to call you my frog… King dad-in-law," Sora replied, smiling slightly.

"Now there is a matter of business to attend to," Luxord coughed. He started to cough even harder, and Naminé, Sora, Axel, Roxas, and Yuffie watched sadly as he took a deep breath and collapsed back onto the bed, seemingly dead.

Axel took his head off in respect and muttered, "The Frog King… is dead." Naminé cried into Sora's shoulder, and he held her, and looked at the king. But then, the king coughed, his eyes wide open, and in truth, it looked comical. Sora watched in disbelief, freaked out, and Naminé looked back in shock.

"Put your hat back on, fool," Roxas muttered to Axel, who immediately did so.

"Sora…" Luxord wheezed, "…please come hither."

Naminé stepped back to let her husband past, and he stepped forward and kneeled, asking, "Yeah, Dad?"

"This kingdom needs a new king," he stated, looking straight at him. "You and Naminé are next in line for the throne."

"Oh!" Sora gasped, laughing, looking back at Naminé, frightened. "Next in line. No you see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes." He laughed sheepishly until he noticed that Luxord was looking at him seriously. "Oh, come on, Dad. An ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's gotta be somebody else. Anybody!"

"Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir," Luxord mused.

"Really? Who is he, Dad?" Sora demanded, anxious.

"His name is…"

Sora leaned forward, eager.

"…is…"

"What's his name?" Sora demanded.

"…is…" Luxord starting comically gasping for breath.

"Daddy!" Naminé cried, taking a step forward. Yuffie watched, still holding back tears, as the king collapsed back onto his lily pad bed. Sora looked fearfully at the immobile body of the frog king. A fly flew out of Luxord's mouth and landed on his eyeball before flying away. It flew past Roxas and Axel, and as Axel started to take his hat off again, Luxord's tongue flew out and captured the fly. Axel put his hat back on as the king ate it.

"His name is Ventus," Luxord finally got out, without any coughing fits.

"Ventus?" Sora inquired.

Luxord coughed, and gasped for air. He finally got out, "I know you'll do what's right." His head fell back onto the pillow for the final time.

"Luxord?" Yuffie asked, unsure of whether he really was dead or not.

"Dad?" Sora cried. "Dad! Dad?"

Tears filled everyone's eyes, and Roxas whispered to Axel, "Do your thing, man." Axel took off his hat, and bowed his head. Sora stood up, and held Naminé, who was sobbing. They all cried for a long time.

The funeral was the next day, and the whole kingdom went. The town seemed deserted, far from the happiness of when Sora and Naminé first arrived. Windows were closed, the guards took down the flag, and everyone was gathered around the statue of the Frog King Luxord in front of the lily pad. The weather fit everyone's moods-dark. Yuffie, Sora, Naminé, Roxas, and Axel were at the front, with the small casket in Yuffie's hands. The queen knelt down and placed it in the on a lily pad, and it floated off, never too be seen again. Rain fell as the frogs sang to honor their king. Naminé leaned on Sora, who wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her, comforting her. Soon, all the town left, and the only ones left watching were Yuffie, Sora, Naminé, Roxas, and Axel.

Nobody noticed the man in a black cloak on a pure white horse staring down at the kingdom, malice in his eyes.


	4. Fairy Tale Villains Unite!

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing**

The man in the black cloak took his hood off, revealing himself to be Riku. He smirked and gave an evil chuckle before leading his horse away and galloping through the forest.

His destination was the Poison Apple, the local pub where all the villains hung out and drank to drain away the sorrows of not living a happily-ever-after. Captain Hook played the piano for all the customers as a witch sang for them, but no one paid them any attention. Riku walked in, and people stopped and stared at him as he hung his cloak on what he thought was a coat-rack and walked to the bar. The tree that he actually hung his coat on glared at him as he took it off his branch and threw it to the ground. Queen Grimhilde, the queen famous for poisoning Snow White, glanced up from her game of pool and, in shock, drove her cue into the fabric on the table, hitting the ball and making it land where the Headless Horseman was, well, headless.

Riku set a pink napkin on the stool in front of the bar and sat down before asking, "What does a prince have to do to get a drink around here?" Drizella, one of two famous stepsisters, turned around, her hands full of dirty jugs. "Ah, Drizella. Why they call you and ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Anastasia? Taking the night off?"

"She's not welcome here, and neither are you," Drizella quipped, glaring. She spat into one of the jugs and started cleaning it with a rag before demanding, "What are you doing here, Riku?"

"Not much. Just a chance at redemption," he replied before laughing, "And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!" he declared, standing up and turning to the other villains. Hook angrily slammed his, um, hook onto the piano keys, breaking them, and the singing witch snarled. Grimhilde snapped her cue in half, and Stromboli broke his beer glass. The villains stalked forward, ganging up on him, as Hook snarled, "We're not your friends." Riku backed up against the table, and Drizella grabbed him by the shoulders and forced his torso to lie on the bar. Hook placed his hand on his chest and continued, his hook hanging loomingly over the prince's face, "You don't belong here."

"You're right, of cour—I mean, you're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us?" Riku nervously asked.

"Do a number on his face," the Cyclopes suggested.

"No no no no. Wait, wait, wait!" Riku intervened. "We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witc—Queen Grimhilde!" he corrected himself as he sat up. "The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and then what happened?"

"Oh, what's it to you?" she snapped.

"They left you the unfairest of them all," he continued. "Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?"

Her angry demeanor cracked as it really hit her, and she sniffled, "Pretty unfair."

"And you!" Riku turned to Stromboli and leapt off the bar, walking forward. "Your star puppet abandoned the show to go and find his father."

Stromboli gave a little sniff and muttered as one of the tree men placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "I hate that little wooden puppet."

"And Hook." Riku turned to him and glanced sadly at his hook before continuing, "Need I say more?" Hook stared angrily at the hook before sighing and cradling it mournfully.

"And you, Frumpypigskin!" Riku pointed.

"Rumpelstiltskin."

"Where's that firstborn you were promised, eh?" Rumpelstiltskin placed his hand sadly over his tattoo of a pacifier.

"Drizella. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper?" Drizella sighed. Riku continued, "Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every last little fairytale creature that has ever done you wrong!" He turned to the villains and walked around like a politician, continuing, "Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story… and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their… 'Happily. Ever. After?'" He ended by raising a drink as a toast, and the rest of the villains cheered, agreeing. Eventually, a happy fist fight started, and Riku warily looked around before sipping his drink and wondering what he had gotten himself into.


	5. Sora's Nightmare

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Side note: I've been doing this series for over a year… Pretty bittersweet.**

The three blind mice wandered down the steps, trying to find their way to see Sora, Roxas, and Axel off; they were mostly falling down them, though… That probably wasn't too good for them.

Yuffie, with Pinocchio (holding Demyx), the Three Pigs, and Zeke following her, arrived at the docks; Roxas and Xion's kids flew overhead, chasing a poor, poor pigeon. Axel held the hand of one of his female cat 'lovers', saying, "It's out of my hands, señorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life." There was a meow, and another she-cat cuddled up against him. "As are you," he told her, standing up quickly. More she-cats surrounded him. "And, uh, you. And, uh, hi, um, I don't know you, but I'd like to." Angry meows. "I gotta go!" he cried, sprinting away.

"Don't go," Xion moaned to Roxas mournfully, their kids at her feet.

"No, I know, I don't wanna leave you either, baby. But you know how Sora is. The dude's lost without me."

"But…"

"But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day!" He sent her one; she acted like she caught it, smiling halfheartedly, and she held it close to her heart. He looked down at his kids and ordered, "Be strong, babies. Be strong. Now, Selphie, Zack, listen to your mama, alright. And Tidus, no more roasting marshmallows on your sister's head." Tidus sneezed, and snorted fire onto the ground in front of him. "Aw, that's my special boy! Oh come over here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug!" He wasn't exactly expecting them all to come flying at him and glomp him. Naminé and Sora smiled, and Fuu left her arms to join in on the fun. The two ogres looked at each other and she sighed, "Sora? Maybe you should just stay and be King."

"Oh, come on," Sora scoffed. "There's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Ventus is a perfect choice."

"It's not that. No, it's not. You see-"

"And if he gives me any trouble," he interrupted, holding up two fists, "I've always got persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion… and here's reason." He laughed, until Naminév gave him 'that look.' "Naminé, soon it's just going to be you, me, and our swamp."  
She sighed again, "It's not going to be just you and me." The horn blared, and the captain called, "All aboard!"

"It will be. I promise," he assured her, giving her a quick kiss on the lips. "I love you." He turned and walked towards the boat. She looked after him, debating.

The sails were let down, and the hunkons wrote in the sky 'We Love You Daddy,' making everyone go, "Awwww."

"That's lovely," Fifer Pig cooed.

"Bye-bye, babies!" Roxas called up, choked up, with tears forming. Sora waved, and Naminé waved back, and as they turned away, made her decision. "Sora!"

"Yeah?"

"Wait!" she cried, running to the edge.

"What is it?"

"I'm… I'm…" The horn blared.

Sora laughed, and called back, "I love you, too, honey!"

"No! No, I said I'm…" The captain blared the horn again, in Sora's face, who took it and threw it in the ocean. "You're what?"

"I said I'm pregnant!"

Everyone cheered, but for Sora, it seemed like his world had come crashing down on him. "Ahhhh, what was that?"

"You're going to be a father!" was Naminé's reply.

Sora laughed uncomfortably, "That's great!"

"Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you!" she gushed.

"Yeah! Ohh. Me, too! You!"

Yuffie walked up and placed her hand on her daughter's shoulder. The blonde looked back at her and smiled.

"I'm gonna be an uncle! I'm gonna be an uncle!" Roxas chanted, ecstatic. "I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE!"

"And you, my friend," Axel told Sora, "are royally-" The ship's horn somehow blared.

That night, the ship was sailing in cloudy weather. It sailed past swampy land, which was actually really creepy. It landed on the land, Sora woke up, and groggily sat up. He opened the door, and saw his swamp, in all its glory. Somehow it was really sunny all of a sudden. Sora gave a shaky, unbelieving sigh, "Home."

He leapt off the boat with a whoop of happiness, and breathed in the nasty scent of a muddy swamp. He ran up and twirled around his front 'lawn,' before hearing Naminé call, "Sora!" He laughed, and danced into his house.

"Naminé!" he practically sang, holding his hand out before realizing his house was empty. "Naminé?" he called, smiling cheesily, until the door slammed closed behind him, and he heard the sound of rusty wheels behind him. He turned around slowly to see a baby stroller with light shining down on it, with a white blanket covering it. Sora walked towards it and, scared, took off the blanket to see… a baby.

"Oh, no," Sora groaned. The baby burped, and Sora laughed uncomfortably, "Better out than in, I always say." Then, the baby let loose a LOT of bark, sending Sora backward. He fought against it and made his way back to the stroller as the baby coughed a little bit before it started to start crying (**A/N: does that make sense? lol)** "No, no, no!" Sora protested before the tears came streaming. "It's okay," he tried to soothe, grabbing it. "It's gonna be alright." He then noticed another one crawling on the floor, three more on his chair, and one of those landed on his face. He took it off and tried to control them before even more created a tidal wave crawled in through the window and broke it, and through the chimney. Sora tried to run to the door, and he made it out the door and closed it behind him. He took a deep breath with his eyes closed before opening them to see he was naked at graduation of his class—MCOIX—with babies laughing at him in the crowd.

Sora screamed and sat up in the boat, panting heavily, and held his hand. "Roxas. Roxas! Wake up!" Both Roxas and Axel looked at him with the heads of ogre babies. Roxas then menacingly said, "Dada!"

Sora once again screamed, this time at dawn, on the boat, breathing heavily.

"Sora!" Roxas cried worriedly, with Axel beside him—both had their normal heads. "You okay?"

Sora stood up and held onto a pole, saying, "I can't believe I'm going to be a father! How did this happen?"

The two hunimals followed him down the stairs, with Axel saying, "Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him."

"I know how it happened," Sora interrupted. "I just can't believe it." He walked away, and Roxas looked at Axel, asking, "How does it happen?" Axel sighed, "You're a father. You figure it out."

Sora had moved to the back of the boat, and sighed deeply.

"_And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon. When you coming home, son? Don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad._"

"Roxas! Can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better?" Sora demanded angrily. Roxas looked at him and placed his chin on the mantle.

"You know I love Naminé, boss. Right?" Axel said, hopping up next to him. "What I am talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing."

"Man, don't you listen to him!" Roxas cut in. "Look, having a baby is not going to ruin your life."

"It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kids," Sora told him. "I mean, when have you ever heard the phrase, 'as sweet as an ogre,' or, 'as nurturing as an ogre,' or how 'bout, 'You're gonna love my dad. He's a real ogre.'"

"Okay, okay. I get it. Look, nobody said it's not going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out."

"That's true," Sora conceded. "I'm doomed."

"You'll be fine," Roxas assured him.

Sora smiled at him until he heard, "You're finished." The trio turned to look at the captain with disbelief until he stammered, "Uh, with your journey."


	6. Find Ventus

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

The sign over the school that proclaimed Worcestershire was big, it was grand, it was wood, and it was tacky (in Sora's opinion).

"Wor-ces-ters-shiree? Now that sounds fancy!" Roxas giddily cried.

"It's Worcestershire," Sora tiredly corrected.

"Like the sauce? Mmm… It's spicy!" The door opened and fell at their feet. Psh, like they were actually going to cross a moat. "Ooo, they must be expecting us," Roxas smiled before the trio, with Axel on Sora's shoulder, going to walk in. Only to be nearly run over by the school carriage with screaming teenagers on it. "What in the shista-shire kind of place is this?" Roxas demanded.

"Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school," was Sora's response.

"High school?"

"Ready? Okay!" giddy cheerleaders exclaimed. "Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not!" This was what Sora, Roxas, and Axel walked into, amidst people running away from them cause of Sora. They passed a driving test, which ended in an ugly crash, and teenagers doing… Um, let's just say it's illegal.

Roxas shrank away from the high schoolers, muttering, "I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies!"

"But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants?" Axel questioned, turning to look back at the hunkey.

"Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that."

"So then I was all like, 'I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you,'" a blue-haired girl said to her brunette friend with the pink ribbon in her hair.

"Totally," she agreed.

"Pardon me," Sora interrupted.

"Ergh! Totally ew-eth!" the blunette cried, walking off.

"Yeah, totally," the brunette with the pink ribbon followed.

The group looked around, and noticed a dup of geeks playing what looked like a futuristic board game. "Hi. We're looking for someone named—"

"Gee, who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped?" one of them snickered. The other one laughed, until he got a bloody nose.

"I know you're busy not fitting it," Sora jeered, "but can either of you tell me where I can find Ventus?"

The first one glared and pointed, "He's over there."

Sora glanced in that direction and saw a buff man in armor on a horse, about to practice jousting. The horse epically galloped to a scrawny boy on a makeshift horse and helmet, and let's just say the collision wasn't pretty, and the scrawny boy landed right in front of the trio. Sora smirked.

The buff boy lifted up his helmet to reveal stunning blue eyes and laughed, "There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory!" The other jousters cheered.

"Strong, handsome, face of a leader," Sora listed, walking forward. "Does Ventus look like a king or what?" He accidentally stepped on the scrawny boy. "Whoops, sorry."

The scrawny boy fell back to the ground and asked, "Did you just say you were looking for Ventus?"

"That information is on a need-to-know basis," Axel replied snootily, walking past.

"It's top secret! Hushity-hush!" Roxas backed up, following.

"Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers!" Ventus declared. However, his horse saw Sora and reared back, throwing him off and galloping away.

"Greetings, Your Majesty," Sora grinned. "This is your lucky day."

"So what are you supposed to be?" Ventus asked, his helmet off revealing brown hair. "Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something?"

Sora laughed forcefully, "Giant mutant… You made a funny." He grabbed him and put him on his shoulder, walking off.

"Unhand me, monster!"

"Stop squirming, Ventus."

"I'm not Ventus." That made Sora stop. "I am Terra. That dork over there is Ventus."

Sora looked over to see where Terra was pointing to see the scrawny boy running off. "Hey!" Sora called, dropping Terra and going to follow. However, the blue haired girl got in his way and coughed, "Um, this is, like, totally embarrassing, but my friend Aerith thinkest thou vex her so soothly. And she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something."

"Uh, excuse me?"

"Like, whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff." Sora just looked at her as she blew a bubble.

Later…

"Oh, Ventus…" Sora called, Axel alongside him. "…come out, come out, wherever you are!" The duo heard a banging coming from inside a locker, and looked back to see Roxas burst out of one, a sign saying, "I Suck-eth" taped to his butt, crying, "You better run, you little punk no-goodniks! Cause the days of little Hunkey Hiding Hallways days are over!" The two teenagers ran into the auditorium and closed the door, the sign "Assembly Today!" swinging.

The trio walked over to the auditorium and tried to go in, but was stopped by a gangly teenager. "Hold it."

"Uh, we're here for the mascot contest," a guy in a poorly made costume said as he and another guy in a bad costume ran up. The gangly teenager pointed them in, and they ran inside.

"Uh… We're here for the mascot contest, too," Sora told him.

"This is a costume?" the gangly teenager snorted, pulling at Sora's face.

"I-AYEEEEEEEE worked on it all night long."

"Looks pretty real to me."

"If he were real, could I do this?" Axel asked, taking his claws out and digging them into Sora's leg.

"Or this?" Roxas pitched in, kicking him with his hind legs into the stomach.

"If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful," Sora growled.

"Now watch this!" Roxas started to move when Sora interrupted, "That's quite enough, boys."

Inside…

"Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his invigorating lecture on 'how to just say nay'," one of the teachers shouted through the megaphone. "And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah to the winner of out mascot contest, the—"

He was interrupted by Sora slamming the doors open and stalking in, Axel and Roxas behind. "—ogre?"

"That's right! I'm the new mascot! So let's really try and beat the other guys at… whatever it is they're doing!" Sora tried. The crowd clapped and cheered as the teacher muttered, "This is all a bit unorthodox—" but Sora ignored him, snatching the megaphone and shouting into it, "Now, where can I find Ventus Pendragon?" The crowd hushed, and pointed at the scrawny kid—hanging from a candelabra. Terra and a jouster knuckle-bumped each other as the crowd laughed.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" Roxas reprimanded.

"I didn't do it," Terra shot back. "They did." The geeks snickered.

Sora grabbed hold of Ventus' arm, and the kid whimpered, "Please don't eat me."

The whole crowd, including the teacher, chanted, "Eat him! Eat him! Eat him!"

Sora scowled, and pulled Ventus off the candelabra, shouting, "I'm not here to eat him! It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new king of Far Far Away."

"What?" Ventus stared at him disbelievingly.

Terra laughed, "Ven a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville." The whole crowd jeered.

Ven looked at Sora and murmured, "Is this for real?"

"Absolutely. Clean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run."

"So, wait… I'm really the only heir?"

Sora winced before lying, "The one and only."

"Give me, ah, just a second." Ven walked out and faced the crowd, declaring, "My good people… I think that there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, 'Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. 'Cause maybe… just maybe… this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him.' That's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Aqua? Oh, Aqua. I've always loved you. Well, good friends, it breaks my heart, but enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world, baby!"

"Alright, let's not overdo it," Sora interrupted. And was ignored.

"I'm building my city people… on rock 'n' roll!"

"You just overdid it," Sora muttered, grabbing him and dragging him away.


	7. The Party's Over

Blue jays dropped a chain of flowers onto Naminé's head, causing the people in the room (save for Naminé) to give oos. "You look darling," Snow White cooed.

"Just precious, look at her," Aurora agreed.

"So, you had any cravings since you've been pregnant?" Rapunzel questioned.

"No, not at all," Naminé answered (but she contradicted herself as she stuffed her face with party cake). She sniffed the air. "Do you smell ham?"

"It's present time!" Snow White sang, brandishing her hands. She growled when all the birds flew over and landed on her arms (and the bunnies).

"Oh, Fiona," Cinderella begged as she brushed a bird away, "now won't you please open mine first. It's the one in front."

Naminé read the card, "'Congratulations on your new mess mak…' Oh, mess maker! 'Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella.'"

Everyone gasped as she opened it, and Anastasia exclaimed, "Oh, would you look at that!"

"What is it?" Cinderella asked.

Naminé cringed as she held up a pooper scooper and a little bag.

"It's for the poopies," Cinderella whispered.

"Ew!" Aurora squealed. "Wait… babies poop?"

"Everyone poops, Rora," Rapunzel told her, exasperated.

"Fiona!" the little pigs cried. "We all chipped in for a little present, too!" The pigs and Zeke leapt away to reveal Pinocchio. He dramatically turned around to reveal he was wearing baby carrier with Demyx inside. "Ta-da!" the two exclaimed.

"You know the baby's gonna love it, cause I do!" Demyx explained.

"Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you," Naminé sweetly said. She then noticed the big box next to her. "Who's this one from?"

"I got you the biggest one," Snow White replied snootily, "because I love you the most."

"'Have one on me. Love, Snow White.'" Fiona lifted the lid and the whole box fell apart to reveal Grumpy the dwarf wearing a bonnet. "Um, what is it?"

Snow White laughed, "He's a live-in babysitter."

"Where's the baby?" Grumpy demanded.

"You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this," Naminé uneasily chuckled.

"Oh, think nothing of it. I've got six more at home."

"What does he do?"

"The cleaning," Cinderella answered.

"The feeding," Snow White answered.

"The burping," Grumpy answered.

"So, what are Sora and I supposed to do?" Naminé questioned.

"Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage," Rapunzel easily answered as she sipped her tea.

"Gee, thanks Rapunzel," Naminé sarcastically replied. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Aurora snored as Rapunzel defended, "Oh, come on now, Naminé. You know what happens." Cinderella slapped Aurora to wake her up, who jolted upright and informed, "You're tired all the time."

"You'll start letting yourself go," Snow White backed up.

"Stretch marks," Demyx pitched in.

"Say goodbye to romance," Rapunzel bemoaned. Xion nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry, but, uh, how many of you have kids?" Naminé reminded them.

Anastasia plopped herself down between Cinderella and Aurora with a, "She's right! A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Sora and Naminé have. How did Sora react when you told him? Tell me!"

"Well," Naminé began, "when he first found out, Sora said-"

A roar from Xion interrupted them. Over the forest by the castle, the villains were flying on broomsticks, Riku with them. "Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters!" he pep-talked. He laughed maniacally until a bug flew into his mouth and he started choking. He managed to get it out and cried to the others, "Now… bombs away!"

The talking tress were chopped, and they each pulled on a twig in mid-air, causing their leaves to bloom and act as parachutes. The villains angled their broomsticks and dive-bombed for the kingdom. They attacked poor civilians left, right, and center.

Hook, who was on the horse of the Headless Horseman, snarled, "Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan."

"His name's not Peter," a dirty blonde girl whimpered, holding her little brother close.

"Shut it, Wendy," Hook snapped. Wendy screamed, just as the rest of the civilians did as they were rampaged by the villains.

"Enough pillaging! To the castle!" Riku snapped, and he and his witch flew over there immediately, everyone following.

The princesses, and the ugly stepsister raced over to the window, where they watched as Xion bit at the witches until they covered her with a net with cannonballs attached.

They heard a ramming, and the girls looked over to see their friends (well, Naminé's friends) blocking the door with furniture.

"You go! Take care of the baby!" Demyx ordered.

"Everybody stay calm!" Snow White ordered, but cracked, shrieking, "We're all gonna die!" Anastasia slapped her upside the head. Naminé raced over to the wall, and pushed aside the statue of the horse, commanding, "Everyone in. Now!"

"Come on! Put some back into it!" Riku demanded as his lackeys rammed the door.

"We don't have time! Now go!" Naminé enforced, glaring at her friends and mother.

"Quickly, ladies!" Yuffie ordered, running inside the secret tunnel. Everyone went inside, and Naminé looked at her friends who were blocking the door.

"We'll hold them off as long as we can!" Demyx reassured her. Naminé managed to close it right as the Prince's minions managed to open the door. Riku, Hook, and the Cyclops strutted in, looking around before the silver haired prince noticed Pinocchio, Demyx, Zeke, and the Three Little Pigs sitting around and having tea.

"Where are Sora and Naminé?" Riku demanded evilly.

"The name doesn't ring a bell," Demyx countered.

"Ya, no bell," Fifer Pig enforced. They all went back to sipping their tea.  
"I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away!" Riku snarled.

"The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids!" Demyx replied.

"Hook!" Riku snapped his fingers.

"Right!" Hook stalked forward. "Avast, ye cookie." Demyx cowered in fear as the hook came closer and closer. "Start talking."

Demyx's life flashed before his eyes.

_ A tray of cookies were pulled out of the oven._

_ White balls of frosting as the eyes were the final touches._

_ "Gingy!" the baker cried as his creation was born._

_ "Papa!"_

_ He was the only cookie paying attention in class._

_ Graduation._

_ Driving his first cookie car._

_ Watching a sappy love story with his girlfriend._

_ His wedding day._

_ Locked in jail for being a talking cookie._

_ Lord Xemnas playing with his legs._

_ Running on the treadmill to make his legs strong after having new ones made._

_ Jumping in a field of flowers._

In the real world, everyone stared at him like he was crazy as he sang, "_On the good ship Lollipop, it's a sweet trip to the candy shop_."

"You!" Riku realized, turning Pinocchio's head around to face him. "You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet… where is Sora?"

"Uh, well," Pinocchio quietly replied as he turned around, searching for the words to say. "Well, uh… I don't know where he's not."

"You're telling me you don't know where Sora is," Riku demanded disbelievingly.

"It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect."

"So you do know where he is!"

"On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably—"

"Stop it!" Riku shouted.  
"do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean—"

Fifer, having had enough of it, exclaimed, "Enough! Sora went off to bring back the next heir!" Fifer, having realized what he'd just done, covered his mouth with his hands. Uh, hooves.

Pinocchio chuckled while the rest of their crew shivered in fear as Riku took his hand down from his face and stared at them. "He's bring back the next heir?"

"No!" Pinocchio cried in an attempt to save the mistake, but his nose grew.

"Hook! Get rid of this new 'King'."

"Right!"

"But bring Sora to me. I have something special in mind for him."

"He'll never fall for your tricks!" Pinocchio spat, but his nose grew again.

Zeke placed his face in one paw and muttered, "Oh, boy."

**HEY ALL.**

**I haven't been able to do anything with this for a really long time... My life has been hectic. So I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, and I will see you all sometime soon, hopefully!**

**I own absolutely nothing in this story.**


	8. King Ven

**HOLY JEEBUS IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I UPDATED THIS, I THINK. I AM SO, SO, SO SORRY TO ANYONE WHO IS STILL READING THIS.**

**To be honest, I stopped caring about this. I lost all motivation to do it when I had the time, and so stopped. It wasn't until I looked at my profile today and saw that I hadn't updated this or _Heardom Kingst_ in nearly a year that I thought, "Oh, God, I better do this. And I better do this now." The next _Heardom Kingst_ chapter is almost done, but since this is, I uploaded it. I am so, so, so sorry._  
_**

**I don't own KH or Shrek.**

**If any of you are left, read on minions!**

The ship sailed out into the ocean blue, and Sora and Ven stood beside one another, marveling nature.

"I can't believe it. Me, a king?" Ven mused. "I-I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but… I just figured everyone forgot about me."

"Oh, no," Sora made a show of shaking his head. "In fact the King asked for you personally."

"Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all going to be fun and games."

"It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle."

"Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle," Ven scoffed.

Sora nervously laughed and replied, "Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks."

"Whoa, this is going to be huge. Princesses, parties, castles. Princesses," Ven gushed.

Roxas and Axel joined in, Roxas chiming, "Oh, it's gonna be great, Ven, you'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order."

"And, uh, fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters," Axel nodded.

"Oh, yeah? What do they do?" Ven asked.

"They taste the food before the king eats, to make sure it's not, uh, poisoned."

"Poisoned?" Ven looked alarmed, and Sora quickly interjected with, "Or too salty."

"Don't worry about it," Roxas reassured. "You'll be safe and sound, with the help of your bodyguards."

"Bodyguards?"

"All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you," Axel responded.

"Really?" Ven queasily responded as Sora tried to get them to shut up by crossing his finger across his throat behind Ven.

"The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance," Axel continued.

Sora mouthed. _Stop talking!_ as Roxas said, "Just make sure they don't die of famine!"

"Or plague."

"Oh, plague is bad."

"The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores."

Sora laughed and pushed Ven out of sight, "Festering sores, hey! You are one funny kitty cat."

Axel made an _I-don't-know_ gesture and asked, "What did I say?"

"We don't want Ven here getting the wrong idea." Sora turned around and didn't see a blond. Well, a human blond. He saw Roxas. "Uh, Ven?"

The boat suddenly made a sharp turn, and all three fell to the floor. Ven was commandeering the boat, and the true captain was on the floor, moaning, "There goes my hip!"

Sora made his way to the wheel, demanding, "Ven! What are you doing?" He pushed him away and took control of the boat, putting it back on course.

Ven grabbed an oar and cried, "What does it look like?", pushing Sora out of the way using it and sent Sora to the back and took back the wheel.

Sora walked forward and grabbed it, saying, "This really isn't up to you."

"But I don't know anything about being king!"

"You'll learn on the job!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back."

"Back to what? Being a loser?"

Ven's face formed a glare, and he let go of the wheel, and all of the force that Sora had on his hold caused him to break the wheel off of the boat. Sora turned on the younger boy and growled, "Now look what you did!"

Roxas forced himself up to vomit and looked at the landscape as Ven argued, "Look what _I_ did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?"

Roxas, seeing what the landscape was, force-swallowed his vomit and in a panic cried, "Sora!"

Sora and Ven looked away to see rocks. Rocks everywhere. Sharp rocks everywhere. Sharp, pointy rocks everywhere. Sharp, pointy, REALLY FREAKING DANGEROUS rocks everywhere. Sora desperately put the wheel back where it came from and started turning it in an attempt to move the boat away. But alas, there was no defeating the inevitable, and the boat crashed into the rocks and split into pieces.

"Land ho!" the captain cried. Thank you, Captain Obvious.


	9. Mr Merlin

**AND IT HASN'T BEEN NEARLY A YEAR THIS TIME-ONLY A COUPLE OF MONTHS. WOOHOO.**

**I'd like to thank those of you who have stuck with this and came back. I really do appreciate it. Honestly.**

**And now, without further ado, I do not own either Shrek or Kingdom Hearts, so read on, minions!**

The wood drifted through the water as Sora stalked out with Axel shivering like mad, clutching to Sora's spikes, and Roxas flung on Sora's shoulder. To Ven he gave no support. What? He's a human. Axel and Roxas were vulnerable huminals. Sora collapsed on the beach, letting Roxas go. Axel jumped down so as not to get hurt. Ven walked on, and Axel shook himself dry, causing his fur to poof. "How humiliating," he muttered, as he and Roxas stalked off.

"Oh, nice going, _Your Highness_," Sora spat after Ven.

"Oh, so now it's Your Highness? What happened to loser, huh?" Ven shot back.

"Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well, it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another and you're going to be a father!"

"What?" Ven asked, confused.

Roxas coughed and whispered, "You just said 'father.'"

"You're, I said King! You're going to be king!" Ven turned and walked away. "'You're going to be king!'" he mocked. "Yeah, right."

Sora shook and made a move to strangle the little runt, but decided instead to scream after him, "Where do you think you're going?"

"Far Far Away… from you!"

"You get back here, young man, and I mean it!" Ven just ignored him and continued on his way.

"Um, boss?" Axel interrupted. "I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material."

"When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be king?" Roxas demanded.

"Oh, come on. Now why would I do that?" Sora requested. "Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me."

"Hey, whoa, Sora, then you're gonna haveta change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid," Roxas advised.

Sora sighed. "You're right, Roxas." He picked up a huge log and quipped, "What about this?"

"Sora!"

"Oh, come on. It's just a joke," Sora laughed as he tossed the log away and followed Ven. "Still…" Axel followed, and Roxas stared reproachfully after Sora's back, knowing too well Sora would more likely than not have used it.

Ven was walking down a well-worn path to a little house in a cave when Sora caught up to him, and spoke while Axel and Roxas watched despairingly and Ven was weirded out: "Listen, Ven. Uh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever. But what I am screamin' is, yo... check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean, if it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, 'Oh, no, you didn't! You know, you're getting on my last nerve.' And then I'll know it's… then I'll, I'll know it's wack!" And then Sora proceeded to get slapped in the face with leaves whose branch conveniently swung around at that precise moment.

Sora broke the branch and Ven screamed, "Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!"

"Ven, wait, wait, wait," Sora commanded.

"Come on! Help! Hello?" Ven banged on the door. The lamp next to the door summoned forth a figure of an old man's face made of light and boomed, "Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to…" The light fizzed out, and the door opened, revealing the old man. "Oh, I knew I should have got that warranty!" he grumbled, and whacked the lamp, but the electric light hit him in the eye, regardless of the fact that he was wearing glasses.

"Mr. Merlin?" Ven muttered, shocked.

"You know this guy?" Sora replied, bemused.

"Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown," he answered.

"Technically, I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue. And at the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose," Merlin defended himself, and when a fly landed on his bald head, he slapped it. Ven and Sora just watched, both just confused by the entire situation. "Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?"

"Uh, no," Sora responded.

"Sure you don't want my famous Rock Au Gratin?" Merlin then proceeded to take a bite out of it—it's literally just rocks, guys. Rocks on a plate. Uh… "It's organic," he continued, his teeth red with the blood that came out from his gums.

"Oh, thanks. I just ate a boulder on the way in," Sora jibed at him. "What we need are directions back to Far Far Away."

"What's with the 'we'? Who said I was going with you?"

"Oh, I did. 'Cause there's a lot of people are counting on you, so don't try and weasel out of it."

"If it's such a great job, you do it."

Sora glared, "Understand this, kid. It's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out."

"Oh, so that was your Mr. Nice Guy?"

"I know, and I'm going to miss him."

"You know what, why don't you go to terrorize a village and leave me alone!"

"Oh, was that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking?"

"Oh, I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible."

"Self-destructive…? Look, are you going to help us or not?" Sora growled.

"Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul!" Merlin replied mysteriously.

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"Look, pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy." Merlin then proceeded to scream, but Sora placed his hand over Merlin's head. "All right, all right. Journey to the soul," Sora agreed.

That night, all five of them were situated around a campfire. "Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth (it was a simple campfire, honestly) and tell me what you see," Merlin ordered as he threw some kind of powder into the fire to make it much larger.

"Ooh, charades!" Roxas gushed. "Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls!"

"Okay, monster… go for it," Merlin urged.

Sora sighed and stared into the fire, and the image of an old fashioned buggy emerged from the fumes and the faint sound of a baby's cry sounded. He anxiously blew the fumes away from him, and when he noticed Merlin watching him, he improvised, "I see a rainbow pony."

"Excellent work! Now the boy," Merlin said.

"This is lame," Ven muttered.

Merlin hit him hard on the head and ordered, as he threw more powder in the fire, "You're lame! Now just go for it."

Ven sighed, "Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest."

"Yes! Yes! Stay with it," Merlin commanded, hitting a drum.

"Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the bird all alone? It's—It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall!" Ven realized what he'd been saying, and looked awkwardly up at everyone else, who had been watching him. Sora, Roxas, and Axel were watching with wonder, whereas Merlin said, "Woo, proper head case you are, aren't you. Really messed up." He put his face in one of his hands and walked into his house. Sora watched him with a new sense of renown.

"Yeah, okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what?" Ven snapped.

Sora sat down on the other end of the log, and Roxas nudged him with his hoof. Sora scootched down until he was next to him. "Look, Ven, um…"

The sound of a loud, annoying harmonica broke the silence, and both Sora and Ven turned towards the source of the noise, which was Merlin's lamp, and Merlin shouted, "Just thought I might help set the mood for your big heart-to-heart chat." Ven and Sora glared at him, while Roxas and Axel just stared in bemusement. Merlin got the hint and turned it off and ran away into the hideaway of his house.

Sora sighed, and said, "Look, I know what it's like not to feel ready for something." When Ven gave him a disbelieving look, he continued, "Even ogres get scared. You know… once in a while."

"I know you want me to be king," Ven ventured (ha, see what I did there? Ven ventured… ha ha ha… no? Okay…), "but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got, and… I-I never heard from him again."

Sora sighed, "My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either."

"Well, I doubt he was worse than mine."

"Oh, yeah?" Sora challenged. "My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. Used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth."

Ven started to laugh, "Okay, I guess that's pretty bad."

Sora said, "You know, it may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think _I_ was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and just trust who you are."

Sora gave him a smile, and Ven gave a tentative one back. "You know… you're okay, Sora. You just need to do a little les yelling and use a little more soap."

Sora grinned as he looked into the fire and responded, "Thanks, Ven."

"The soap's because you stink… really bad."

"Yeah… I got that."


	10. Rapunzel's Betrayal

**Hello, my minions! Long time, no see! I've been very busy-applying to college, being in my school's show, interning at a professional show, and prepping for my audition to get into the theater program of my first choice college… It's been hectic.**

**I hope you all are well! Now, read on, minions! (You all should know by now, I don't own KH or Shrek, right?)**

The princesses sneaked along the secret passageway, Naminé leading the way with a lit torch. "Urgh, this place is filthy!" Cinderella cringed, "I feel like a hobo."

As they had to creep sideways in order to pass, Snow White snapped, "I'm sorry, but this just isn't working for me."

"Everything's always about you, isn't it?," Aurora sighed. She was carried by Anastasia, for fear she would fall to her death if she randomly fell asleep. "It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow."

"Well, maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land," she sniped back.

"Oh, you mean in that rigged election?" Rapunzel inquired innocently.

"Oh, give me a break," Snow responded. "'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!'"

"Ladies," Yuffie ground out, "let go of your petty complaints and let's work together!" All the princesses, save for Anastasia (well, she's not a princess, but still) and Fiona, huffed.

"So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot," Snow White snarked.

"No," Naminé patiently explained, "we're gonna get inside and find out what Riku's up to."

"I know he's a jerk and everything," Anastasia interrupted, "but I gotta admit that Riku makes me hotter than July." Rapunzel and Aurora both cringed and "ew"-ed.

Naminé suddenly grinned and pointed, exclaiming, "That's it!" They had finally reached the ladder. The princesses sprinted forward, and Naminé led the way up. She opened the vent's window, and crawled out, Snow White not far behind. The ogress princess spied around the corner, and was confused as she saw the beginnings of a set for a theatrical production. She took her head away from the sight, just in time for Rapunzel to say, "Come on! This way!" and rush away.

"Rapunzel, wait!" Naminé hissed, worried. She raced after her friend, the others following. Rapunzel made her way into the castle, and the princesses barely noticed that they had passed a gigantic hedge in the shape of Riku's face, bearing his famous pout. They burst through the doors, only to see Riku holding Rapunzel's arm, and armed guards surrounded the group. "Riku, let go of her," Naminé snarled.

"But why would I want to do that?" Riku chuckled, letting go of her arm to clutch her hand, then, shocking the entire room, Rapunzel coyly grinned at him, and seductively growled. Riku woofed at her, and pulled her in for a deep kiss.

"What?" Naminé gasped.

"Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far, Far Away," Riku declared. Cinderella cheered and clapped, until the stares of the other girls told her that it was wrong.

"Rapunzel, how could you?" Naminé softly asked, hurt.

"Jealous much?" she smirked.

Riku laughed quietly as he stalked forward, "Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week."

Naminé just glared at him.

"But, Pookie," Rapunzel murmured, coming forward, "you promised you wouldn't hurt them."

"Not here, kitten whiskers," he whispered. "Daddy will discuss it later." Louder, he said to the others, "Now forgive us. We have a show to put on."

"Sora will be back soon, Riku, and you'll be sorry," Naminé cried, determined.

"Sorry?!" Riku shouted. "Don't you realize once Sora steps foot in Far, Far Away he's doomed?" Riku smirked, and sauntered off, taking a now-reluctant Rapunzel with him. Naminé, Anastasia, and Yuffie glared after him, while the rest of the princesses looked uncertain. The guards then closed in on them, and locked them all away in a cell.


	11. Magic Trip

**Hello! Long time no see!**

**A lot has gone on, like college stuff, so that I can actually go in August for my freshman year, which is exciting, so that's why updates have been far, few, and in between. Here is the next chapter (by the way, guys, we're over half-way through here! After this is done, then it's the fourth movie and **_**Sorek**_** is over! That's weird, this has been, I think 4 years in the making****).**

**I don't own Shrek or Kingdom Hearts, sadly.**

Sora woke up with a gasp, before realizing where he was. He rolled himself up onto his feet and yawned. He heard, after a bird landed on the tree behind him, the tree flicking it off of its branch. He turned, with apprehension, his head back to face it and a leaf landed on his shoulder, and he moved back to his original position and warily watched three more trees move closer towards him and his friends. The tree that Ven slept on jerked up, waking him and causing him to declare, "Ow!" Sora watched it as it turned to show him its face. Axel and Roxas woke, too, and Roxas gave a terrified cry. The trees closed in on them as the pirates wheeled Hook's piano over and he played.

"Look out!" Roxas warned. "They got a piano!"

"Kill them all… except the green twig," Hook ordered, leering at them. "King Riku has something special in mind for you, ogre."

"King Riku?" Sora questioned.

"Attack!" Hook ordered.

Pirates swung down on ropes from rocks above Merlin's backyard and from his grassy rooftop. Sora took one pirate and threw him away, before turning and yelling, "Ven, duck!" He picked up the blonde human by the head before adjusting and grabbing his waist, and Ven kicked the offending pirate in the face as Sora let him go. They turned and grinned at each other, their teamwork clear and marvelous. They both heard Roxas scream in fear, but Axel came to the rescue with his sword as he dueled and came out on top.

Hook enjoyed playing his piano and giving the fight some awesome music, but did a double-take when he saw Merlin playing along with him. He then, while still playing, knocked Merlin off of the bench with his hip.

A pirate charged at Sora, but Ven slid underneath him, giving Sora the chance to grab him by the head and throw him.

"Ready the plank!" Hook cried, still playing.

A plank was laid at an angle over a rock, and Sora was backed up onto it by two pirates. Artie, attempting to battle a sword with a log, was pushed back where Axel and Roxas were standing, only for the three to be swooped up and grabbed by a net trap. Sora fell off of the plank and into a chest, but at the angle he fell, the pirates had a hard time shutting it. Mostly because of his hair.

The pirates loaded a cannon, and aimed it at the net with the three in it. Axel's eyes widened, and, with determination, unsheathed a claw, and started cutting away at one of the ropes that made up part of the net.

Sora, with a cry, leapt up, with the chest still attached to his hair (he seriously has really big hair, how can an ogre CARE that much to maintain his hair?), used the chest to his advantage as he took out his opposing pirates.

"Sora!" Roxas called, as Axel kept sawing.

"Help!" Ven added as the pirates struck a match and lit the cannon. Sora, eyes widening in fear, took off the chest, swung the chest while at the same time causing the pirates to fall into it, and ran towards the plank. He went on top of the end on the ground, threw the chest onto the end in the air, and, as the chest landed on its end of the plank, flew into the air. He turned mid-air and landed in front of the cannon. He tried to use his strength to push the firing end away, and just before the cannon went off, succeeded in changing its course so that the cannonball destroyed Hook's piano instead of his friends. Go Sora! The trees holding the net dropped it in fear and ran away, as the pirates did the same.

"Cowards!" Hook jeered loudly at his crew.

"What has Riku done with Naminé?" Sora demanded angrily as he stalked towards Hook.

"She's gonna get what's coming to her," Hook said, raising his hook in the hair. A tree ran past him and his hook latched itself onto the branch. "And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!" He continued as the tree whisked him away.

Sora turned himself around as the other three ran up. "We've got to save her," Axel stated.

"But she's so far away," Roxas moaned.

Sora took a deep breath and made a decision. "Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid."

"No, Sora," Ven argued. "Hold on a second. I've got an idea."

He glanced over to Merlin, who was… I don't really know what he was doing, actually, it was all very weird. I think he was meditating? Anyway, Merlin was singing, to himself, "I am a buzzing bee. Bzz, bzz, bzz…"

"Mr. Merlin?" Ven began. "They need a spell to get them… I mean, us back to Far, Far Away."

As he stood up, Merlin brushed himself off and said, "Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug, instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic."

"Mr. Merlin, please. I know you can do it."

"I said forget it!"

"But…" Ven, thinking quickly, realized there was only one thing he could do. He broke down into shockingly real-but-still-clearly-fake sobs that were enough to make Merlin turn around and ask, "What's with you?"

Ven heart-wrenchingly answered, as the original trio watched on, confused and a little bit in shock, "It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble. 'Cause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard!"

Ven fell forward, trying to grasp Merlin's hand. Merlin, who was clearly uncomfortable, tried to say, "Come on, take it easy," but Ven threw his hands away and cried, as he fell to the floor, "No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people."

Sora chimed in, "Oh, have a heart, old man."

Ven grabbed Merlin's foot, gasping, "They really need your help to get them back. So why won't you help them?!" He then proceeded to actually say unknowable words—seriously, I have no clue what he said, he really committed to the part—and made Merlin finally say, as he wrenched his foot away, "Okay. I'll go get my things." He rushed off into his house.

Ven coughed as he stood up from the ground. Sora approached him as he coughed once more and said, "Piece of cake."

"Well, well. You want some eggs with that ham?" Sora teased, grinning.

"Now, um," Merlin said as he approached, his hat on and his book in hand, "I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects."

"Side effects?" Roxas warily asked, now scared.

"Don't worry," Merlin reassured him as he scoured through his book before tossing it away. "Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually. I think." He cracked his knuckles and lightning magic came out of his hand and blasted into the rock that Roxas stood next to, making his hunkey ears go down in fear. "Oops."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Roxas demanded, now proper scared.

"Look," Sora started, "if Ven trusts him, that's good enough for me." He turned back and grimaced, "Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his—" Oh, lovely.

"Alacritious expeditious a-zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back—"

Roxas, his lower lip trembling, held out his hoof, and Axel, now a little wary, took it within his paw.

"—um… soon!" Merlin grinned, thrusting his palms out as blue cloud-like magic formed in them. It expanded out in straight lines toward them and became gold sand-like material as it hit the quartet, enveloped them, caused them to dissolve, went straight up into the air, and sent them on their way. "Whoa," Merlin gasped. "It worked!"


End file.
